If I didn’t feel that poker players needed to know/think about this, I’d rather not be writing it at all. In the world of inter-ballers, degens, math geeks and the like normal life functions easily take a back seat. The following is everything I’ve learned about poker and divorce. Take what info pertains to you, and I hope it helps.
Brief synopsis: I separated a little over a year and a half ago. Divorce was vicious and ended unfavourably for me; due in large part to the Ontario court’s perception of gambling.
Quentin Tarrantino moment:
Approx. 3.5 years ago I began playing hold’em, I was good at it, and enjoyed the challenge. My husband encouraged me to play more, and bought me some books. Pretty soon I was making a lot of extra spending money and he encouraged me to consider it as a part-time job, I happily agreed.
Despite his love of spending the money I was making, he started setting a double standard…both encouraging me to play; even signing me up for tournaments without asking; while being angry as I was no longer at his beck and call. I imagine this is a pretty standard adjustment to make when a housewife goes to work, but we never found a balance.
obv for this and other reasons the marriage deteriorated.
My former partner, like so many future divorcées, became an adversary hell bent on ‘winning.’ To this end, was willing to pull out all the stops in divorce court, and in a few spots, outright lie and manipulate. In my trial-by-fire I learned a lot, and much of it too late to correct the original errors.
MISTAKE #1
Not getting something in writing from my partner when it became clear that poker was going to be part of my life.
I’ll leave the specifics to you, but off the top of my head; recreational, part-time and full-time players should sit down with their partners and clearly lay out what to expect. Some ideas are, loss limits, Bankroll, cash out points, Times/Days that you can play, and max session lengths and clear voicing of partner’s support of your decision to play. I did discuss this with my ex, but I did not write it down. This was my first serious error.
MISTAKE #2
Not getting in the mud with my ex immediately.
For all the popular talk about taking the high road this was one of my largest errors. I trusted the system to make an unbiased decision, but the reality is that in custody issues in particular, one is essentially guilty until proven innocent. So when my ex husband made claims like ’she’s a degenerate gambler’ I needed to prove that I was not, and unlike if he claimed I was a drug user…I couldn’t just submit to tox. screens to prove I was sound and making good decisions.
MISTAKE #3
St. Mary’s gambling counseling: I went to an agency that handles gambling addiction and voluntarily submitted for screening, I answered the questions and interview honestly and was assessed as being a ’serious social gambler’ a non-problematic diagnosis.
I trusted this report, and the professional input to be enough to quash the absurd claims my ex was making regarding my alleged addiction.
The reality is that because this is ’self reporting’ it is not worth the paper it is written on to the courts.
MISTAKE #4
Not keeping careful timelines and perfect records while playing.
These over a significant period of time could have helped to verify the information given in the assessment. Paying your bills on time and having money saved will NOT be enough, you NEED records.
MISTAKE #5
Assuming that I could explain away the stigma associated with poker (hold’em esp.) to average non-players in my life.
I believed that people like my parents and neighbours (with whom I was friends) were intelligent enough to understand the game when I explained it to them.
The reality is that people are stupid, and the preconceived notions about ‘poker’ are insurmountable to the average person.
Both my parents and neighbours swore affidavits when asked by my ex-husband, stating that my ‘gambling’ 20hrs a week was problematic, for it’s own sake: it didn’t matter to them that I was paying my bills, meeting my family obligations, not exhibiting the behaviour of a true gambling addict (eg: gambling to escape, out of depression, or for a ‘high’)
• I was, in their eyes, problematic simply because I played cards at all.
• Their affidavits surprisingly had weight in court and were damaging.
My advice is to be very selective of who you share your intent to continue playing cards with during divorce.
My last suggestion is to remember that poker will be perceived as a black mark so you must be more than flawless in all other aspects of your life. In divorce there is much to be lost based on an inaccurate and unfair perception of what ‘poker’ is.
Protect yourself.
Thanks to Kristy Seabrook for this great article and insight on the world behind the poker scene! Kristy is a freelance poker writer, so please contact her if you would like her to write for your site.
John Pehrson is the President of Poker Isle Tables and they manufacturer poker tables that apparently float and are waterproof. He just launched this new product line at the opening of the new Hard Rock Poker Room last week. The Hard Rock is famous for their pool side bar and BlackJack tables so poker was a natural fit. John had this to say at the unveiling:
